Weird Thoughts

February 25, 2006  |  Uncategorized

Lately I’ve been thinking alot, and I am not sure why but it seems to be a constant activity. I guess the years that I haven’t had any thoughts in are now being made up in these few days. So let’s see, I’ll divide my thoughts into categories or groups or something like that.

Death:

I am not sure why or how this topic came into my mind, but I was thinking basically on how our late Amir passed away and how stuff like that happen basically to everyone in this world. You know death, and I got to thinking on a question. Would you want to stay alive for yourself or for others? I started thinking, would I want to live for myself? Would I really be happy if I was alone living basically, living life in my own way without others. Or should I simply live for others, I hope I am making sense but I don’t think I am making any sense. I used to think about this countless times before, that I want to live for others, I don’t want to cause my loved ones pain and such therefore I prefer that I don’t die because I don’t want to cause others the pain and such. It’s just some crazy thoughts here and there but nonetheless, something that flowed through my mind many times.

Hate – Love:

There really is a thin line between love and hate don’t you think? And that thin line can be easily crossed. I am not sure why but I’ll use the relationship that I have with my Mother, true sometimes I love her, and others I hate her, but my love is never as much as I would love my father, who is the love my life. My mother caused me lots of pain, lots of hurtful memories, stuff I would rather forget but I can never forget, and I always expect stuff from her, but still that thin line exists. At times I wish I didn’t have to deal with her, but at others, life would be dull with everything working out? Don’t you think? So you could say that sometimes you would hate to love and love to hate. Hate and Love for me always start at the gut area, or the heart area basically, I mean I could meet you once and a feeling would start fluttering deep down inside my heart or gut for that matter. It’s just something with me, and so far at times it is truthful. But that doesn’t apply to the earlier situation, it applies to other situations basically.

Grandma:

She is the most beautiful and wonderful person I have ever known! Truthfully, she is the closest person to my heart, she might be stuck in her old ways (well she changes at times) but she is the light of my world. I have to either pass by her place every day once or at least call her up for a few minutes chat. She is my only living grandparent and my ultimate favorite even when my mother’s parents were alive. She is the woman who raised me! She is the woman who was there constantly for my first 3 years of my life. And she is the woman whom I cherish most of all. I started work this week, so I didn’t have the usual chance to pass by and say hello to her or have a quick lunch with her but when I saw her this weekend on our usual Thursday gatherings, she made me tear up a bit. The minute I entered her place and went to say hello to her she hugged me real hard and said “Wow, who would’ve thought that I would be here to see my eldest grandchild work…” and so forth. Granted that my grandma isn’t old at all, she’s still in her early 60s but she feels herself too old. She was married quite young and became a grandmother quite early. And I love her! I love her so much! The sad part though is that my mother’s relationship with her isn’t that well at all. Meaning I am trying to imagine myself getting married (which will be a long way from here not anytime soon at all) but I was imagining who of my family would be there. Seriously I couldn’t care less about my mother’s side and I would prefer not to invite them but my most important people would be my sisters and grandma and aunt and uncles of course, as well as my parents. But I seriously would hate it if my mother threw some fit when it came to inviting them and all. So basically what I am trying to say here, is that I love you Grandma, I love you more than life itself and I wish you would continue to stay in my life until you see your great-grandchildren. I seriously do Mammy! (P.S. I call her “Yumma” which is roughly translated as Mommy, but that’s because she is my mother, my ultimate favorite)

I guess 3 topics would be enough for now, I know that my thoughts aren’t coherently expressed, but that’s what happens with thoughts, they are all over the place and they can never be as organized.

P.S. I love Swairty :* and Happy Birthday Zorath (today) and Lily (yesterday)!

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About the author

I am a Kuwaiti Apple and gadget girl freak, who gets bored of her blog layouts so much that I change them like I crazy. Currently I work in a newspaper and if you don't see me around I'm being sucked into my job reviewing TV Shows and APPS! This is my space where I vent and release everything, welcome to it.

6 Comments


  1. shotgun :p

    thanks hun, i love you too :*

    Death is a very sensitive subject to me.. my grandmother and one of my uncles died when i was really young and i never really “understood” death at the time.. then when other deaths would occur, they were either really old ladies that i never really got to know or babies that i just saw at hospitals just once.. so it never really hit straight to my heart or anything… so i don’t know how to deal with death if it ever happens to someone really close.. i guess i’d just be in shock and then cry my eyes out..

    Love-Hate: i have the exact same “thin line” with some specific people.. thankfully, i love both my mom and dad equally, so no problems there.. but other people who can never make up their minds when it comes to dealing with me.. they can never tell the difference between being nice and being bitches/bastards…
    Jax knows i’m a loving person but when i hate somebody i seriously hate them, they don’t even get a smile… if they’re nice to me, i just have no feelings towards them whatsoever.. just blank, no love, no hate… just nothing..

    grandma: i love both my grandmas.. the one who dies when i was a baby and the one who’s still here.. alla ya7feth’ha..

  2. wow…pretty deep thoughts.
    Death to me has become something normal…not normal as in I’m ok with it. No it really sucks losing loved ones, I’ve lost lots of friends & family. But I’ve been hardened by seeing too much of it.

    Same goes to me with the Love-Hate thing, in my case it’s mom that I’m closest with, dad…hmm..to me he’s a man I’ve known all my life. No more, no less. With me it’s very easy to cross the love-hate line, once crossed into the hate side, I don’t give another chance.

    As for my lovely grandma, I love her to bits. All died except for dad’s mom & she’s so adorable. Each time I see her, I just can’t get enough of her.

    Great post! :)

  3. I have no influence nor do I bare any responsibilty for anything negative you might think of doing or do in the future.

  4. I trully believe that the people you love the most, are the ones most capable of causing you the most pain.

    Simply, because they affect your emotions more.

  5. Agrees with MiYaFuSHi ^_^
    Purgatory ,,, you have a blog?

  6. Dear Jackie-

    I loved reading this personal and hearfelt post. Very introspective, and it is a glimpse of feelings you are dealing with as you mature ( like we all do). Families and the way we feel about them is not so different, no matter who we are or where we come from…

    MsB