These past couple of weeks, hell these past couple of years I have felt the least bit like myself than I have ever in my life. Wait do you think that makes sense? What I mean to say that there are more days than I can count where I felt I am a different person and not that “Somebody that I used to know.. somebodyyyyyy..” (ok enough singing!). Life has a funny way of catching up with you and just either dragging you down, that is if you let it or lifting you up.
One of my recent troubles lately is that I now understand why government jobs for those of us who love to work or love to produce are more like a death sentence than anything else. There are days at work where I have NOTHING to do at all, and then there are those where everyone just remembers that I exist and pile up pointless work on top of me. I am pretty much a glorified administrative assistant (see what I did there, I just flipped Secretary to Admin Assistant :P). I mean I am baffled by how crazy things are, for example a menial job would be: Person A writes an official paper then calls for Person B and C to sit down together and proof-read the paper by, and I am serious here, by sitting down and having Person B read along from the new document while Person C follows on the previous document. Since when does proof-reading take 2 people? The things one sees in the government sector.
I miss the private sector, I miss being able to accomplish something. In all my previous jobs I felt a sense of gratification and satisfaction when I saw that one thing I made come to life. Whether it was during my Banking days when I would help out customers by opening accounts, applying for loans, or whatever they wanted those who were in dire straits and got their money in a speedy manner were ever so thankful and just made you feel “Oh wow, I am totally awesome!” or even my Newspaper days where I would go in and pick out the stories I wanted to share with the readers and just edit and organize things so people can read the paper. I would open it the next day and say to myself “HEY I MADE THIS!” It was just totally awesome.
At least I still have my blog to make me feel awesome, and the fact that the more experiences I drum up and add to my roster the better a person I can be with all that knowledge. I really truly like learning everything it doesn’t matter what but its just fun because then I know how things work (remember that book back in the day?) and that allows me to deal with things in a better manner.
Anyways enough ranting, and do enjoy my Fall 2014 TV posts below because I know some of you live for them! :P
There are parts of the year where I start to feel down and wish for a new gadget or toy to lift up my spirits, more than often it is tied with work and the happenings that go there or any family drama if there is any. I seem to be having this issue as of late and I keep wanting to get something new to lift my spirits but even with that purchase I seem to feel the same way.
Not only do I still feel a bit down, I don’t unbox or use the gadget until weeks later and that basically in my point of view defeats the purpose of retail therapy shopping. You see lately I wanted to spend some cash but the moment I see something I don’t feel that it’s a MUST HAVE. I also don’t feel any better. I’ve become good at masking some emotions and feelings and keep things bottled up but sometimes I just want to explode and let it all out. I know pretty much everyone feels that way so don’t deny it.
When you are feeling down, what do you do?
Lately watching American/British/Canadian TV Shows seem to be the only cure sometimes but even those I am behind, I am way behind in a couple of shows I need to clear out my queue!
Seriously Gosh Darn-it! I so miss writing, I was just looking through some of my older posts back when I was completely oblivious to how he world works and I kind of loved reading my trail of thoughts. Who knew that keeping a blog not only allows you to connect with people but to revisit your past and just cherish it a bit more! Back in 2008 around this time I had just arrived with my Dad (pre-heart surgery) and was going through a different kind of adventure, not the great kind but one where you know how tough you are from the experiences you go through. I also remember back in 2008 the iPhone 3G came out and I stood in line for it just to SEE IT! I couldn’t even buy it back then LOL! The adventures I had to get that iPhone 3G were insanely awesome and interesting really. But enough about the past.
Have you missed me? I know very few of you still read this dusty little blog but I kind of hope that many of you still do check back from time to time. I’ve been more active on Instagram than on this blog simply because I’m just too bloody damn lazy! I will not promise my usual promise (the one where I say I will promise to write more) simply because I haven’t been doing that these past few months but I guess I can promise to come back every so often and share my thoughts and things I’ve gone through.
I recently had experienced a couple of “firsts” but more on that in the next post which should be very very very soon. To tell you the truth I write a gazillion posts in my head right before bedtime, then I sleep and forget them all and wake up with nothing on my mind LOL! I should copy Louis Litt from “Suits” for those of you who don’t know him, he’s a character on that show and he’s simply awesome he has that Recording Device to record his thoughts and daily events hehe and later on he listens to himself, that’s insanely awesome!
So what have I missed in the world? Who can’t wait for the release of the latest iPhone, the iPhone 6 and iPhone Air. Rumors point to it being available between September 19 – 25 hehe and I kind of believe them based on history :P
Now that I have completed a week’s worth of work I find that I miss my sleeping hours. Back when I was unemployed last week I used to sleep in the wee hours of the morning (around 3-5 AM) and wake up around noon or even between 1-2 PM. Basically my job back when I was out of a job was to just sleep during the work day and then spend the afternoons and evenings doing whatever I wanted.
Now that I’ve had to sleep earlier (I still sleep by 2AM at the latest) and wake up earlier (6 AM) I find myself missing those 8 hours a night of sleep. I get a minimum of 4 hours to 6 hours if I am a good girl. I need to figure out a way to shut down my brain the minute I get in bed, but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case in a long time. I can go to bed at midnight but I will spend an hour or two tossing and turning until I fall asleep at around 2AM even if I am exhausted. I have joked with friends that 3 years later I am still experiencing jet lag from my USA trips but in a way it’s not that funny.
I think that this weekend I will work on catching up with the sleep I missed out and starting next week fix that wonky schedule.
In short, do I think the sacrifice of my sleep is worth it for this job? Not really but then again I can never justify a worthy sacrificial endeavour for my sleep :P Don’t you have similar thoughts.
It seems the older we get the faster time flies by, I remember when I was a kid (not that it was too long ago, I was a kid just yesterday actually hehe just kidding) anyways when we were kids we would think time is standing still and we can’t wait to grow up and not have to answer to our parents or do homework and the whole shebang. Little did our younger selves know that the minute you start to grow up responsibilities start to pile on and you just feel so swamped and at a loss for said time.
I have now been out of a job for a full year and some change and you would think I could have used that time wisely and reorganized my room (it has become an official hoarder’s mess compound there) or finished those blog designs I promised some friends (yes you know who you are hehe) or even attempted to do anything useful but all I remember spending my time on is eating, sleeping, watching some TV shows, and just lazying around. I have even lost the will to write in a way, I think the lack of being able to express my personal feelings has something to do with that. My promise to myself really and not to this blog is to be more of myself. I want to share a post a day just being my raw un-filtered self (not that I can be 100% unfiltered, damn not being completely anonymous anymore!).
Starting with this year I have attempted to join a gym and I am actually attending, this month not as much as last but really I am getting there. I haven’t lost any weight officially yet (damn those holiday turkeys they really are insanely delicious but spend forever on your hips!) but I am sort of on the right path. I have quit (or tried to) fizzy drinks and replaced that with water but it is not a 100% abstinence, I do have the occasional Coke or Pepsi with a burger now and then but I am trying to increase my water intake from just one 330ml bottle to drinking at least 6-8 of them a day. It feels different really when I take water with a meal instead of the fizzy drinks because I just feel a tad bit lighter.
Taking care of my health will be a priority this year, I should just stop taking things for granted because really Father Time can do only so much and eventually everything catches up with you. I seriously have no idea what I want to say right now or how I drifted this far from the main topic but that’s what it means to live in my head.
A thousand voices fighting to be heard.
P.S. If I am required to add a photo every time I want to just be me, I will lose interest and leave. I miss my old way of posting where it was just me and the keyboard against all of you. I can go on and on about anything and nothing really but when you ask me to edit photos and choose which one that goes I just slack off.
I’m still alive and around, I know I pretty much haven’t been updating as often as I should and I deserve a real kick in the bum but I promise (yes this time I will keep it) [no really I will keep it] to write more if only a few lines to get the voices out of my head.
Yes although I am somewhat sane, I tend to have voices talking to me in my head sometimes and they just can’t stop. Life as an unemployed individual is really not always that fun, especially since you can’t travel on your own funds and waste the time on a never-ending vacation. I have pretty much depleted all of my savings and funds and am beyond literally broke!
Things might be “somewhat” looking up as I am in the final process of finalizing my papers for a Government job. Yes the Private sector has deemed me not “fresh” enough or not “experienced” enough to hire and thus the dilemma of walking in either too qualified or not qualified enough has haunted me. Not to mention how they want an MBA simply because they just do. I mean, it’s good that I even graduated university and didn’t drop out like my idol Steven Paul Jobs! *Just Kidding* (seriously I’m kidding)! Oh wow, how I missed this sort of babbling on endlessly (hopefully not since this post has to end) and just writing out what those voices in my head say. I have silenced them for so long.
Damn, I have missed you blog, seriously missed you! I now understand why I feel so lonely some days! I have tried to replace my blog with Instagram (@Jacqui) or reading books and watching TV shows and that just doesn’t help me vent out.
I will now vent once a day! :P Watch out! To those of you who are still around, *waves hello!*
Have you ever grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and was about to write something that was on your mind and the moment you put the pen on the paper it flies out of your head? Or have you ever opened a new tab in your browser and wanted to type a URL link and just stared blankly at the screen not being able to remember a thing about what you wanted to do?
No? Really, double check think about it again.
That just happened to me, two bouts of forgetfulness took place and it freaked me out. I think I’ll blame the fact that I was watching a TV Show while attempting to multi-task and for some reason the thoughts just flew out of my head but it can also mean that I’m ancient now. My memory has been bad lately and I don’t know what to do to improve it. I can’t remember things anymore whereas before I used to be able to remember everything and anything. Now I need to remember what I wanted to write on that piece of paper and what I wanted to search for :/ It’s going to bug me until I figure it out.
Share with me your experiences, if you had any hehe.
UPDATE: I just remembered I wanted to double check my phone bill that’s the URL I wanted to visit LOL! Oh thank God I won’t be losing sleep on that :P