Blame it on the allergy season, I seem to have a problem breathing the moment I wake up, I’m always stuffy and it just annoys me to the point where I might get a headache from how stuffy I am.
Sometimes in life we need to take a moment just to breathe in and breathe out to calm our anxiety, our nerves, our everything basically. I might be experiencing that sometimes, but then at the same time I just find myself ignoring the problem hopefully until it disappears or goes away. Unfortunately that’s not always the right fix.
Even though I hate Google from coming up with Android or doing whatever it is they are doing, I really wish I was working in one of their buildings. Sometimes just sometimes its fun to have a gym, napping pods, play rooms, etc in your work place in order to blow off some steam and get the creative juices flowing, I think they might even have steam rooms who knows.
It’s at times like these where I just want to drop everything and start running on a treadmill or whatever I just want to pump up that heart of mine but instead I am stuck on this uncomfortable chair in this uncomfortable room.
I’m a bit bored really. Why can’t we finish work at 12pm that’ll be ideal :P Just kidding, if the old me heard this, she would just beat me up.
One month left until VACATION TIME!
I keep trying to write about my life, but due to it being so depressingly boring I find that nothing important is there to write about. I can write about the imaginary world I live in, but then again I forget about it the minute I open this “Add New Post” page and back to writer’s block (I wish).
Pretty soon it’ll be a year since I started working in a government job, or rather a job in one of the ministries out there. To say this is a dream come true is a shocking untruth! I actually have started to hate it and want something better out of it. I hate it because I feel (and yes I might be a bit narcissistic here and thinking too much of myself) I feel that I am way over qualified for everything that I’m doing there.
Some tasks that would take people days to finish I can finish in an hour or two and that’s without even trying too hard to finish it fast, hell its without trying at all. Work is well put and just looks extra perfect and neat.
Bah, I’m just depressed again. I blame it on hormones and shizzle! My brain is fried in a way and I can’t seem to find a way to unfry it. But let’s hope tomorrow is a good day.
Why is it that whenever I pick up a book and start reading and losing myself in this other world I just smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I just feel happy.
Don’t get me started when a hilarious conversation or scene takes place, I would be lying in bed reading or on my favorite chair and all you’d hear is a loud laugh and my usual “Oh no he didn’t!” or she if it called for that but its always the men in the book that crack me up because men are crazy! :P
TV has gotten in the way of reading but I am trying to just ban TV shows for a few hours and spend them with a book maybe that will help me regain that sort of aloof feeling and happy one.
What about you? Do you have certain reading habits? Do you like reading to begin with? I personally try to read historical romances just because I like to get lost in that world. I don’t really need dark, deep fiction, or books that will teach me stuff. I find myself more enjoyable with my favorite genre.
P.S. When I read I imagine myself as living there, dressing as they dress, and interacting as the others do, hell I imagine myself the heroine sometimes if she’s not too whiny!
I have missed writing thoughts and feelings in my blog as a way of venting out emotions and all that jazz, right now most of my friends know about this blog and pretty much I have lost a sort of anonymity I had before so I can never share too much of myself as I did in my earlier years.
I recently started keeping a separate blog as a journal, diary of sorts just to share my deepest thoughts. And ironically I find myself writing more there than I would here. Could it be that all this commercialization of blogging made me lose my voice?
I seem to also be a bit more active on Instagram with my TV Impression posts than I am here, would reposting them here make a difference? Would others wish to read them instead of going onto my Instagram account. I don’t know, I don’t know who I am anymore, I am Jacqui but not fully Jacqui maybe I have a new personality or persona emerging from all this.
I started out as “Jackie” a kind sweet natured girl and later on I discovered I had an evil naughty fun side which morphed into “Jacqui” now I guess I am a boring version of myself?
It’s official, my favorite month out of the entire year is here and it’s not just because I was born in December (*ehem*December 4*ehem*) but it’s just a magical time and I feel all warm and fuzzy. The air smells fresher, the gust of the cold wind makes me feel alive and awesome. Everything just is amazing when its December. Here is hoping nothing sours that up.
Things took a bad turn last week when I fell sick and visited the doctor to get a check up unfortunately the pests that I had surgery to remove from my body have decided to come back and rent a penthouse suite, fortunately though surgery is not insanely required right now therefore I could manage but I need to have monthly checkups to monitor their growth and make sure they don’t swell into large grapefruits like last time (then I would actually need surgery again). But one thing lifted up my spirits today, something I’ve been hoping to get and do might finally be in the works and things might be moving forward. Hopefully *fingers crossed* by this January I come back from my vacation and to an insanely better place!
Oh did I forget to tell you all? Well I’m planning on a Winter vacation! I am actually fulfilling a long-wished dream of mine where I get to spend Christmas and New Years in New York City! I JUST CAN’T FREAKING WAIT! This time I’m taking the little monster, my younger sister (read: baby sister) Lujain with me! And I’ll just go crazy!
I’m filled with a bit of love, scratch that I’m filled with lots of love for friends and family not to mention some of you faceless (not that you don’t have any faces) strangers who actually take the time and read my ramblings. So, HUGS AND KISSES TO YOU ALL! (platonically of course!) In the meantime, I will share some of my paranoia with you guys and give you a sneak peak into one of my Wish Lists for my Birthday. Wait no I think it deserves a whole post for itself right? Yes right! I will put it up tomorrow as soon as I have my breakfast at work (yeah government jobs make you fat :P).
I bid thee all a good night!
I miss talking, I miss letting out all my worries and just blabbering it to my closest friends. Lately I feel as if I am bottling up all my emotions and its getting harder to just talk about anything that is wrong. I seem to have also developed a filter in me that doesn’t allow me to show any weakness or talk about anything really, do you guys experience it?
It’s like if there is something really bad happening I would rather bottle up so I don’t hear some unwarranted advice or something that hurts because I alone have the entire facts of the story. For example, I am not at all happy where I am at in my work life, going into the government sector was an insanely bad decision but helpful to learn from, I don’t regret that part. But I don’t feel comfortable with some comments that say: Use the time to start a small business, study, or stick it out. I feel as if I am dying creatively and the only way I can think of amending that would be by getting on my blog or instagram and just letting it out. Some might suggest I should turn my blog into a business, that would be smart but I am doing this out of love for the thing it’s a hobby I feel if I were to turn it into a work discipline thing then I will immediately start to hate it and feel confined.
Sometimes I feel that my brain is sabotaging me, I freak out and get anxious on the littlest things. Especially things that I know quite well myself I just feel as if I am underqualified when most times I might have more to offer than others. It’s a psychological thing for me and always has been. It’s exactly like how when I work out and diet for a few months lose some weight and someone comes up to me and says “Oh wow you lost weight, looking good!” I take that as a cue to start eating junky again and I gain what I lost and more. I have no idea why I do it, I just do.
Maybe I’m sick in the head! Anyways I just wanted to let this out!
These past couple of weeks, hell these past couple of years I have felt the least bit like myself than I have ever in my life. Wait do you think that makes sense? What I mean to say that there are more days than I can count where I felt I am a different person and not that “Somebody that I used to know.. somebodyyyyyy..” (ok enough singing!). Life has a funny way of catching up with you and just either dragging you down, that is if you let it or lifting you up.
One of my recent troubles lately is that I now understand why government jobs for those of us who love to work or love to produce are more like a death sentence than anything else. There are days at work where I have NOTHING to do at all, and then there are those where everyone just remembers that I exist and pile up pointless work on top of me. I am pretty much a glorified administrative assistant (see what I did there, I just flipped Secretary to Admin Assistant :P). I mean I am baffled by how crazy things are, for example a menial job would be: Person A writes an official paper then calls for Person B and C to sit down together and proof-read the paper by, and I am serious here, by sitting down and having Person B read along from the new document while Person C follows on the previous document. Since when does proof-reading take 2 people? The things one sees in the government sector.
I miss the private sector, I miss being able to accomplish something. In all my previous jobs I felt a sense of gratification and satisfaction when I saw that one thing I made come to life. Whether it was during my Banking days when I would help out customers by opening accounts, applying for loans, or whatever they wanted those who were in dire straits and got their money in a speedy manner were ever so thankful and just made you feel “Oh wow, I am totally awesome!” or even my Newspaper days where I would go in and pick out the stories I wanted to share with the readers and just edit and organize things so people can read the paper. I would open it the next day and say to myself “HEY I MADE THIS!” It was just totally awesome.
At least I still have my blog to make me feel awesome, and the fact that the more experiences I drum up and add to my roster the better a person I can be with all that knowledge. I really truly like learning everything it doesn’t matter what but its just fun because then I know how things work (remember that book back in the day?) and that allows me to deal with things in a better manner.
Anyways enough ranting, and do enjoy my Fall 2014 TV posts below because I know some of you live for them! :P