It’s official, my favorite month out of the entire year is here and it’s not just because I was born in December (*ehem*December 4*ehem*) but it’s just a magical time and I feel all warm and fuzzy. The air smells fresher, the gust of the cold wind makes me feel alive and awesome. Everything just is amazing when its December. Here is hoping nothing sours that up.
Things took a bad turn last week when I fell sick and visited the doctor to get a check up unfortunately the pests that I had surgery to remove from my body have decided to come back and rent a penthouse suite, fortunately though surgery is not insanely required right now therefore I could manage but I need to have monthly checkups to monitor their growth and make sure they don’t swell into large grapefruits like last time (then I would actually need surgery again). But one thing lifted up my spirits today, something I’ve been hoping to get and do might finally be in the works and things might be moving forward. Hopefully *fingers crossed* by this January I come back from my vacation and to an insanely better place!
Oh did I forget to tell you all? Well I’m planning on a Winter vacation! I am actually fulfilling a long-wished dream of mine where I get to spend Christmas and New Years in New York City! I JUST CAN’T FREAKING WAIT! This time I’m taking the little monster, my younger sister (read: baby sister) Lujain with me! And I’ll just go crazy!
I’m filled with a bit of love, scratch that I’m filled with lots of love for friends and family not to mention some of you faceless (not that you don’t have any faces) strangers who actually take the time and read my ramblings. So, HUGS AND KISSES TO YOU ALL! (platonically of course!) In the meantime, I will share some of my paranoia with you guys and give you a sneak peak into one of my Wish Lists for my Birthday. Wait no I think it deserves a whole post for itself right? Yes right! I will put it up tomorrow as soon as I have my breakfast at work (yeah government jobs make you fat :P).
I bid thee all a good night!
I miss talking, I miss letting out all my worries and just blabbering it to my closest friends. Lately I feel as if I am bottling up all my emotions and its getting harder to just talk about anything that is wrong. I seem to have also developed a filter in me that doesn’t allow me to show any weakness or talk about anything really, do you guys experience it?
It’s like if there is something really bad happening I would rather bottle up so I don’t hear some unwarranted advice or something that hurts because I alone have the entire facts of the story. For example, I am not at all happy where I am at in my work life, going into the government sector was an insanely bad decision but helpful to learn from, I don’t regret that part. But I don’t feel comfortable with some comments that say: Use the time to start a small business, study, or stick it out. I feel as if I am dying creatively and the only way I can think of amending that would be by getting on my blog or instagram and just letting it out. Some might suggest I should turn my blog into a business, that would be smart but I am doing this out of love for the thing it’s a hobby I feel if I were to turn it into a work discipline thing then I will immediately start to hate it and feel confined.
Sometimes I feel that my brain is sabotaging me, I freak out and get anxious on the littlest things. Especially things that I know quite well myself I just feel as if I am underqualified when most times I might have more to offer than others. It’s a psychological thing for me and always has been. It’s exactly like how when I work out and diet for a few months lose some weight and someone comes up to me and says “Oh wow you lost weight, looking good!” I take that as a cue to start eating junky again and I gain what I lost and more. I have no idea why I do it, I just do.
Maybe I’m sick in the head! Anyways I just wanted to let this out!
These past couple of weeks, hell these past couple of years I have felt the least bit like myself than I have ever in my life. Wait do you think that makes sense? What I mean to say that there are more days than I can count where I felt I am a different person and not that “Somebody that I used to know.. somebodyyyyyy..” (ok enough singing!). Life has a funny way of catching up with you and just either dragging you down, that is if you let it or lifting you up.
One of my recent troubles lately is that I now understand why government jobs for those of us who love to work or love to produce are more like a death sentence than anything else. There are days at work where I have NOTHING to do at all, and then there are those where everyone just remembers that I exist and pile up pointless work on top of me. I am pretty much a glorified administrative assistant (see what I did there, I just flipped Secretary to Admin Assistant :P). I mean I am baffled by how crazy things are, for example a menial job would be: Person A writes an official paper then calls for Person B and C to sit down together and proof-read the paper by, and I am serious here, by sitting down and having Person B read along from the new document while Person C follows on the previous document. Since when does proof-reading take 2 people? The things one sees in the government sector.
I miss the private sector, I miss being able to accomplish something. In all my previous jobs I felt a sense of gratification and satisfaction when I saw that one thing I made come to life. Whether it was during my Banking days when I would help out customers by opening accounts, applying for loans, or whatever they wanted those who were in dire straits and got their money in a speedy manner were ever so thankful and just made you feel “Oh wow, I am totally awesome!” or even my Newspaper days where I would go in and pick out the stories I wanted to share with the readers and just edit and organize things so people can read the paper. I would open it the next day and say to myself “HEY I MADE THIS!” It was just totally awesome.
At least I still have my blog to make me feel awesome, and the fact that the more experiences I drum up and add to my roster the better a person I can be with all that knowledge. I really truly like learning everything it doesn’t matter what but its just fun because then I know how things work (remember that book back in the day?) and that allows me to deal with things in a better manner.
Anyways enough ranting, and do enjoy my Fall 2014 TV posts below because I know some of you live for them! :P
There are parts of the year where I start to feel down and wish for a new gadget or toy to lift up my spirits, more than often it is tied with work and the happenings that go there or any family drama if there is any. I seem to be having this issue as of late and I keep wanting to get something new to lift my spirits but even with that purchase I seem to feel the same way.
Not only do I still feel a bit down, I don’t unbox or use the gadget until weeks later and that basically in my point of view defeats the purpose of retail therapy shopping. You see lately I wanted to spend some cash but the moment I see something I don’t feel that it’s a MUST HAVE. I also don’t feel any better. I’ve become good at masking some emotions and feelings and keep things bottled up but sometimes I just want to explode and let it all out. I know pretty much everyone feels that way so don’t deny it.
When you are feeling down, what do you do?
Lately watching American/British/Canadian TV Shows seem to be the only cure sometimes but even those I am behind, I am way behind in a couple of shows I need to clear out my queue!
Seriously Gosh Darn-it! I so miss writing, I was just looking through some of my older posts back when I was completely oblivious to how he world works and I kind of loved reading my trail of thoughts. Who knew that keeping a blog not only allows you to connect with people but to revisit your past and just cherish it a bit more! Back in 2008 around this time I had just arrived with my Dad (pre-heart surgery) and was going through a different kind of adventure, not the great kind but one where you know how tough you are from the experiences you go through. I also remember back in 2008 the iPhone 3G came out and I stood in line for it just to SEE IT! I couldn’t even buy it back then LOL! The adventures I had to get that iPhone 3G were insanely awesome and interesting really. But enough about the past.
Have you missed me? I know very few of you still read this dusty little blog but I kind of hope that many of you still do check back from time to time. I’ve been more active on Instagram than on this blog simply because I’m just too bloody damn lazy! I will not promise my usual promise (the one where I say I will promise to write more) simply because I haven’t been doing that these past few months but I guess I can promise to come back every so often and share my thoughts and things I’ve gone through.
I recently had experienced a couple of “firsts” but more on that in the next post which should be very very very soon. To tell you the truth I write a gazillion posts in my head right before bedtime, then I sleep and forget them all and wake up with nothing on my mind LOL! I should copy Louis Litt from “Suits” for those of you who don’t know him, he’s a character on that show and he’s simply awesome he has that Recording Device to record his thoughts and daily events hehe and later on he listens to himself, that’s insanely awesome!
So what have I missed in the world? Who can’t wait for the release of the latest iPhone, the iPhone 6 and iPhone Air. Rumors point to it being available between September 19 – 25 hehe and I kind of believe them based on history :P
Now that I have completed a week’s worth of work I find that I miss my sleeping hours. Back when I was unemployed last week I used to sleep in the wee hours of the morning (around 3-5 AM) and wake up around noon or even between 1-2 PM. Basically my job back when I was out of a job was to just sleep during the work day and then spend the afternoons and evenings doing whatever I wanted.
Now that I’ve had to sleep earlier (I still sleep by 2AM at the latest) and wake up earlier (6 AM) I find myself missing those 8 hours a night of sleep. I get a minimum of 4 hours to 6 hours if I am a good girl. I need to figure out a way to shut down my brain the minute I get in bed, but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case in a long time. I can go to bed at midnight but I will spend an hour or two tossing and turning until I fall asleep at around 2AM even if I am exhausted. I have joked with friends that 3 years later I am still experiencing jet lag from my USA trips but in a way it’s not that funny.
I think that this weekend I will work on catching up with the sleep I missed out and starting next week fix that wonky schedule.
In short, do I think the sacrifice of my sleep is worth it for this job? Not really but then again I can never justify a worthy sacrificial endeavour for my sleep :P Don’t you have similar thoughts.
It seems the older we get the faster time flies by, I remember when I was a kid (not that it was too long ago, I was a kid just yesterday actually hehe just kidding) anyways when we were kids we would think time is standing still and we can’t wait to grow up and not have to answer to our parents or do homework and the whole shebang. Little did our younger selves know that the minute you start to grow up responsibilities start to pile on and you just feel so swamped and at a loss for said time.
I have now been out of a job for a full year and some change and you would think I could have used that time wisely and reorganized my room (it has become an official hoarder’s mess compound there) or finished those blog designs I promised some friends (yes you know who you are hehe) or even attempted to do anything useful but all I remember spending my time on is eating, sleeping, watching some TV shows, and just lazying around. I have even lost the will to write in a way, I think the lack of being able to express my personal feelings has something to do with that. My promise to myself really and not to this blog is to be more of myself. I want to share a post a day just being my raw un-filtered self (not that I can be 100% unfiltered, damn not being completely anonymous anymore!).
Starting with this year I have attempted to join a gym and I am actually attending, this month not as much as last but really I am getting there. I haven’t lost any weight officially yet (damn those holiday turkeys they really are insanely delicious but spend forever on your hips!) but I am sort of on the right path. I have quit (or tried to) fizzy drinks and replaced that with water but it is not a 100% abstinence, I do have the occasional Coke or Pepsi with a burger now and then but I am trying to increase my water intake from just one 330ml bottle to drinking at least 6-8 of them a day. It feels different really when I take water with a meal instead of the fizzy drinks because I just feel a tad bit lighter.
Taking care of my health will be a priority this year, I should just stop taking things for granted because really Father Time can do only so much and eventually everything catches up with you. I seriously have no idea what I want to say right now or how I drifted this far from the main topic but that’s what it means to live in my head.
A thousand voices fighting to be heard.
P.S. If I am required to add a photo every time I want to just be me, I will lose interest and leave. I miss my old way of posting where it was just me and the keyboard against all of you. I can go on and on about anything and nothing really but when you ask me to edit photos and choose which one that goes I just slack off.